There is a song that I love by Ani Defranco, called “32 flavors”… where she says “I am a poster girl with no poster… I am 32 flavors and then some.  And, I’m beyond your peripheral vision, so you might wanna turn your head.  Someday, you are gonna get hungry and eat most of the word you just said”

Ladies… do you understand what she is saying?  “I am beyond your peripheral vision”, in other words, “you can’t even see me.”  Someone told me this is an angry woman song.  I don’t think it is an angry song, at all.  I think it’s a “matter of fact” song.

People can be harsh to you.  people can judge you, too quickly.  People can be jealous of you  People will talk about you.  They may hate you because you are beautiful or treat you badly because you are not.  But, eventually, people will eat their words.

Meanwhile, what you have to do is…  Just be who you are.  Be all the flavors that are you.  Do the best you can do.  When you fall… rise up from the ashes, like a Phoenix!!

Eventually, people will turn their heads and you will have the luxury of deciding whether or not they get to “see” you and all your 32 flavors!

I finished Steve Harvey’s book, “Act like a Lady , think like a Man”.  I LOVE it!!  Much of this book was definitely things I already knew.  However, Steve has a way of putting things that give you some serious cause to stop and think about what you are doing.

There is one chapter where he lists the 5 questions every woman should ask a man.  Ladies, I am not lying when I tell you…  I used those questions and knocked a couple of people right off my dating roster!!!  One man actually said almost EXACTLY what Steve Harvey wrote a man would say if they are just “sports fishing” and not looking for a “keeper”.  It actually made me laugh.  After laughing, though, I told him that would be our last date.

People have shared mixed reviews on this book.  I can only tell you that, it works for me!  I apply what he says and I am finding myself feeling so much more empowered when it comes to dealing with men on a personal level.

I think the most important thing he says in the entire book is that men respect standards and we have to have them.  It is the absolute truth.  Respect yourself and you will find yourself only dealing with men who respect you, as well.

I read a book called “The Noticer”.  In this book, the author writes about a man who spends his days, giving people a new perspective on things which completely changes their lives for the better.

One thing really stood out to me.  He told a young man the secret of success lies in being a person that other people want to be around.  He said “a woman or man who has become someone that other people want to be around, holds the world by the tail.  They can get a  meeting with any executive because they are loved and appreciated.  They get the time, they get the sale, they get the promotion, the extra help and the pay.  They get the chance, the second chance and the benefit of the doubt.  and, all because people like them.”

What I say is:

Ask yourself… are you  a person others like to be around? If the answer is no…  What is it about you that needs some work?  If others don’t like to be around you, its almost a sure thing that you don’t even like to be around yourself.

Learn to like you and others are sure to follow.

Friends of FFAWN

On the evening of Tuesday, August 4, 2009, the Foundation for the Advancement of Women Now hosted their first ever Annual Gala Event, Candlelight & Wine ~ Dinner and Silent Auction with Mary J. Blige and Steve Stoute.
The venue was gorgeous. Sincere thanks to Suzanne, owner and manager of Barbetta Restaurant, and her entire staff. Carline Balan, of Balan Inc. and Madeline Nelson, Executive Director of FFAWN, worked tirelessly to create the perfect ambience for this momentous night. From the lighting, to the floral arrangements and everything in between the first word that comes to mind is “flawless”. A classical pianist played the cocktail hour and another pianist played more contemporary pieces *ahem* Mary J. Blige songs during dinner.
The dining area had high ceilings with a beautifully lit chandelier that would have put the Titanic to shame. To the left of the dining room was the entrance to the garden where all the Silent Auction items were on display. There was a small fountain and water bath in the middle of the garden and the trees around the perimeter created a cozy canopy. Even with the warm temperature people still wanted to be outside, because it was so pretty. Also, more likely, guests remained outside to stay competitive in the Silent Auction.
Some auction items to note were donated by Shawn Jay-Z Carter which included 2 of his courtside seats to a Nets Game, 2 of his third base line seats to a Yankees game, roundtrip airfare to London so you could use your 2 tickets to see Jay-Z perform with Coldplay at Wembley Arena; a 3-day, 4-night stay at Bob Johnson’s Villa in lovely Anguilla; one-year membership to the MoMA with special discounts, passes and private tours for two; Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses worn by Lenny Kravitz himself, including the autographed case; the Red-Carpet experience with Will Smith to his next movie premiere and after-party; just to name a few.
Gayle King seemed quite impressed and the iconic Doug Morris even stopped by. Mary J. Blige mingled graciously throughout the evening. She was gloriously dressed by Gucci in a brown, v-neck dress, complete with Gucci clutch and gold jewelry. Lila Staab and Charlotte Blackman of Gucci were in attendance and generously donated a full Gucci luggage set to the Silent Auction, which was won by Ciara.
Madeline Nelson-Small, also be-decked in a sleek black Gucci wrap dress, opened dinner with some heartfelt remarks about FFAWN and its mission to empower women. She introduced Steve Stoute who brought attention to the powerful changes that can happen when friends join together for a real cause.
Mary J. Blige got up to a standing ovation and gave a brief glimpse into her life growing up in Yonkers and how it takes courage and confidence to achieve success in the face of adversity. She spoke specifically about the 3E’s Program and how FFAWN will give women the opportunity to realize any dream through Empowerment, Encouragement and Education.
Andre Leon-Talley announced the winners of the Silent Auction at the end of the evening. A.L.T. quickly learned what a game of H.O.R.S.E. with Patrick Ewing would be from the winner of that Auction item.
Everyone had a good time networking, mingling and rubbing elbows. Even some of the wait staff were able to get autographs from Jarret Jack of the Raptors and Rudy Gay of the Grizzlies.
The sphere of power and influence in that one room would have knocked you over. Their purpose and generosity in being there will make you stand up again and support this cause.

More Pics:

Gorgeous Table Setting!

Auction Item

Co-Founders of FFAWN, Mary J. Blige and Steve Stoute

Friends of FFAWN, Gayle King and Kevin Liles

FFAWN Staff, Madeline and Samantha

Mary J. Blige

Stop letting your history control your destiny…

That’s it.

Does it really need explaining?

Ladies,

Get up, walk over to a mirror, look at yourself and say out loud to yourself… ‘”you’re all I need to get by”.

Say it and mean it! Because, ladies, you really are all you need to get by! Everything starts with you!  God gives you everything you need.  There are people who help you on your journey, but you are the captain of your own vessel.  You are the master of your own fate.  You decide when.  you decide what.  You decide how.  You most definitely decide who!

Do you remember that Marvin and Tammi song?  They lyrics were:  “with arms open wide,  I threw away my pride, I sacrifice for you, dedicate my life to you.”   They were singing it to one another.  I sing it to myself!

I’m all I need to get by! When I understand that, it becomes easier to appreciate the people in my life for the right reasons.  It becomes easier to understand that God really does NOT make mistakes.

I posed a few questions in my last blog and got some intense responses!!  I would like to give these responses their own blog.  I have no idea if everyone reads the comments.  So, just in case you don’t, please take a look at my question and then take a very serious look at the responses.  Wow, ladies, this is what my site is all about… helping one another to grow.  I would love to see comments on these responses! lets each one teach one, Hohm Girls!

Question:

Why would anyone defend mediocrity?  Why would anyone not give their best and demand the best from those they keep close to them?

Why would a woman be a poster person for lowered expectations?

If you have the answers to these questions, I hope its not because you fit into this category!  I was once a poster child for lowered expectations, so I have my thoughts, but I would love to hear yours!

Responses:

1. jo
   I think it depends on the situation, this topic can be so broad.but approaching the topic from the p-o-v of KNOWING something is mediocre and still defending it…I think people are ego-driven. It’s hard to admit that you are wrong, and hard to admit to yourself that you delivered below your own expectations, much less someone else’s.

   Nobody is perfect, we’re all a work in progress. I know for myself personally, it’s hard to change course in the middle of a situation - how many of us have stuck to our guns even though we knew we were wrong? As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes the best we can do is learn from a situation and move on to not make the same mistake twice.

   I would never be hard on a friend who was defending something she may not view as mediocre, or may not want to admit to herself was mediocre, but I would help her learn from it instead. And when you learn what was mediocre before, the bar is set higher each time as far as your expectations for greatness!

   Too many times in life women don’t support each other, we just point fingers and judge. If you see a friend slipping you should reach out a hand and help them through. I will never understand why women go out of their way to tear another woman down. (Tangent, but something I feel strongly about).

   I make big mistakes but I make even bigger comebacks! Let’s all help each other be great!

2. gigi
   An unfortunate result of life is disappointment. It’s one of the hardest pills to swallow. But, through a lifetime it just happens over and over and over again.
   Sometimes the people who are supposed to love and protect you the most, through your lifetime or theirs, just don’t. There are times when you’ll disappoint yourself. It’s even possible to be disappointed by complete strangers. Each experience becomes it’s own memory that stays with you. Like a stain.
   With so many ways to be let down - what’s a person’s best defense mechanism? Simple. Don’t allow people to disappoint you anymore… Just lower your expectations all together and you’ll be safe. If you don’t expect great things from anyone, if you have no expectations at all, then you’ll NEVER be disappointed!!! Forget your hopes and dreams. Don’t try too hard and don’t reach too high, then you’ll never fail at anything. How amazing is that?!
   Soon enough, you’ll find comfort and safety in mediocrity. A world that’s forever medium grey and ho-hum. For those that live within this shade of grey, no one else has the right to judge you. We don’t know your story. To each their own, right?
   But maybe once in a while, happiness should be worth that risk. I hope you find something in life to dream about in bright vivid colors. It could be career, family, spirituality, money, fame, even if it’s just building the greatest coin collection ever. Go for it. Don’t let the fear of failure paralyze you.
   You shouldn’t be embarrassed to have a dream - and to try and make it come true. Even if it doesn’t turn out exactly the way you imagined and the people around you don’t understand your dreams, who cares? Again, no one else has the right to judge you.

Why would anyone defend mediocrity?  Why would anyone not give their best and demand the best from those they keep close to them?

Why would a woman be a poster person for lowered expectations?

If you have the answers to these questions, I hope its not because you fit into this category!  I was once a poster child for lowered expectations, so I have my thoughts, but I would love to hear yours!

As I get deeper into my role as staff member of a non profit organization, I am learning more and more about what it means to give back and more importantly, what it means to “reach back”.  The woman who is co- founder of the organization I work for, is dedicated to reaching back into her community and using her experience and resources to help young women understand and reach their full potential.  When I started this website, it was with that exact purpose in mind.  I wanted to reach back and show young women that they can succeed despite obstacles, despite naysayers and despite other people’s hurtful ways.

I often receive many more comments to my blogs via email than I do on the actual site.  I used to see this as a problem but quickly realized that some people simply want to keep their comments private.  I received an email today that was a response to yesterday’s post and I was compelled to ask the sender for permission to use her emailed comments in today’s post.  Her message reminded me of my mission.  It reminded me of the fact that I can’t reach back and help others to grow unless I continue to grow, myself.  We are all a work in progress.  I sincerely believe we can learn and grow right up until the day we leave this earth.  Everyone has something they can teach us, if we are always willing to learn.

Please see her email below:

“Dear Maddi,

I wrote this to myself the other day when I was feeling bad, having regrets and just feeling “blah”… and it’s funny how AFTER I read your blog today… I came across the paragraph I wrote to myself by accident!

I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of… But in that same breath that I make myself small, I must come to the realization that I would not be who I am today had I not done some of those things…. How could I truly relate to you, you and you, had I not been you at one point in my life… And the beauty of life is that before I die, I get to reinvent myself everyday… Everyday I get to make the choice to be a better version of me than I was yesterday and you too get that choice.  You too have the opportunity to continually strive to be the you of your dreams.  There’s only one way to get there, take the first step, begin “be-ing”….”

Nicole

—————————————————————————————

Ladies, I love this message because it is so accurate.  It brings home the point I am always trying to make that yesterday is no place to live.  Today is where its at.  Today is a new opportunity to get it right.  Today is a repeated gift from God.  Today is something we were not promised so, it should mean a whole lot that we got it.  Most importantly, today is an opportunity to show others, BY EXAMPLE, how to Do It Right This Year.  When you are reaching back, make sure you are truly moving forward so that you actually have something to give.

(”Sometimes you have to bare your soul to yourself in order to understand those around you…”)

what do you do with people who seem to want to hurt you for no reason, at all?

I was forced to ask myself this question, recently as I was in the presence of people who have done things that would be extremely hurtful to me, if I allowed myself to be hurt by other’s actions or words.  I watched them smile and laugh and dish out hugs to me… All the while I was reminded of the things they had very recently said to someone very close to me…. Things meant to hurt me and tear me down in that person’s eyes.

Anytime someone sets out to hurt me, I ask myself what I may have done to hurt them.  I never claim innocence in any situation until I do a real self examination.  It has taken years of very hard work on myself to realize that I have to look to ME before blaming anyone else.. Even for their own actions.  We all have to be clear on the part we play in every situation that unfolds in our lives.

As I thought about this particular set of people, I realized that I certainly may have hurt one of them a very long time ago when I was very young.  But, we have talked about it over and over and even after telling me that we are in a good place… This person still does and says things to hurt me.  As for the others, I know that I have absolutely never done a single thing to cause them harm.  I have never belittled them, never spoke against them and never wished harm to them.

So, what does one do in this situation?  What do you do when you have no idea why someone can’t or won’t stop doing or saying things that would absolutely hurt you if you allowed it to?

You do your best.  That is what you do.  Do your best to be all that you can be.  Do your best to build your life in a manner that is pleasing to YOU.  Do your best to surround yourself with people who actually care too much about you to ever intentionally hurt you.  Do your best to do better today than you did yesterday.  do your best to realize that some people may never grow enough to be happy for YOUR growth.  Do your best to  have love for those who do not understand how to love you.  Do your best to bring peace to your home.  Do your best to understand that you can not please everyone.  Do your best to trust your intuition.  Do your best to live your life to the fullest with no regrets.  Do your best to Do It Right This year, no matter how you did it last year, last month or yesterday.

I finish this post as I am falling asleep and I can’t help but smile… because I know who I am.  I know my flaws.  I know my mistakes.  I know whom I love and I know who loves me.  It is an amazing feeling.  Ladies, go out and get you some Sunshine, today! Put it in your pocket and offer it to someone else.

Peace & Lotsa Love!!!!!!!

coments:

Nictowns wrote:

This was an amazing blog post… I hope you don’t mind if I put a link on it in my blog… I definitely understand both ends and I right now have to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself daily how can I be better than I was yesterday–for me and for the rest of the world… by loving myself, forgiving myself, and doing my best to walk in truth and love… and thats what I do.

Miamor wrote:

This reminds me of a situation in my own life. A highly respected group of women who let me in their “exclusive” club only to try to figure me out as I climed the ladder of success quicker than anyone they saw before– tried to tear me apart and discourage me from accomplishing my goals. I remember that day so vividly, it was like the scene in the movie Cinderella when Cindy hand made a dress from her evil step sisters thrown away scraps and was all ready to go to the ball when they attacked her tearing her dress apart piece by piece. They did not want her to go to the ball because they knew she was a threat to them their success and all they wished to accomplish. Well, just like the fairy tale their plan backfired and not only did the women who tried to tear me down not succeed, but it made me stronger and wiser. My favorite poem- which I know by heart ” Still I rise” by Maya Angelou starts- “You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies. You may trod me in the very dirt, but still like dust I’ll rise”. And it’s true. I rose and continue to rise and one day I recited that entire poem to those women and the looks on their faces was similar to that when the step sisters saw Cinderella walk off with the Prince. Bottom line is what you say is so right. You use those experiences as fuel to help you attain your goals because nothing succeeds like success especially when haters(or ppl) do all they can to throw road blocks in your way. Even the bible says the weak shall be strong and the first shall be last and the last shall be first. It is a GREAT thing to know who you are and that no one can define you for you or discourage you without you giving them the power to do so. Today, I do not worry about who may try to harm or discourage me because I know GOD will take care of me- he has always showed me that in every situation of my life. So I thank those women. Sometimes I think about it and it hurts to know ppl are like that, but it helps me not become like them.